Dear Diary...
For my thirtieth birthday this year, my wife (such a sweetheart) signed me up for a fantastic "one week special" offer at the new Brazilian Jiu Jitsu school downtown. She knows how much I love the UFC and Joe Rogan always says you have to know Jiu Jitsu to have a good "ground game."
Although I am still in great shape, since after all, I was a high school athlete, I know it is going to be tough. My wife seemed pleased with my enthusiasm to get started. I called the school and got some basic information from someone called Hoffi who identified himself as a 26 year old assistant instructor. "Hoffi" said to just wear some workout clothes and that they would get me a "kimono" (whatever that is) and to bring a notebook to keep a "training log" to chart my progress and help remember things.
This is going to be so much fun!
My Training Log
Monday:
Arrived at 6:00 pm. Tough to make it on time from work, but found it was well worth it when I arrived at the school to find Hoffi waiting for me. He gave me a tour and showed me the changing rooms. He gave me a "kimono" to change into with a white belt and said he would see me on the mats.
When I come out I see about 10 other guys with white belts, 2 blue belts, and a girl in a pink "kimono" with a purple belt. The people with colored belts all come over and say hello and seem very friendly. The girl, Kyra, is really cute with dark brown hair, dancing eyes, a dazzling white smile, and a cool accent like Hoffi's. Woo Hoo!!
Hoffi started the class with a warm-up. We did a lot of something he called "shrimping" where you lay on the floor and push yourself around with your feet,
some push-ups, sit-ups, and a few other exercises. It took about 10 minutes and I was alarmed that my pulse was so fast, but I attribute it watching Kyra in the line in front of me. I enjoyed watching the skillful way she seemed to do everything. Very inspiring.
Hoffi broke the class into two groups and I was in a group with 2 other apparently new whitebelts. First he showed us how to tie our belts (how could something so simple be so complicated?), then he showed us how to do an armbar from closed guard (my favorite UFC move!) and an "upa" from mount.
Hoffi was encouraging as I did my armbar and upa. The rest of the class Hoffi explained some details of the guard and mount positions.
This is going to be a FANTASTIC week!!
Tuesday:
Tonight Hoffi did the basic warm-up but at the end he had us do something called a "burpee" for what seemed like forever. My legs were a little wobbly and I felt light-headed, but I didn't stop. I looked across the circle and Kyra smiled at me making it all worthwhile. I found out "Hoffi" is really Raffi, but (R)s are pronounced (H) in Brazil. How cool is that?
Kyra was in charge of my group tonight and I found out that a purple belt is pretty high up there. I knew Kyra was good! She went over the armbar and upa again using me as her partner (I think she likes me!). It felt a little strange working with a girl and I tried to make sure I didn't hurt her. Then she showed us something called a "technical stand up." Basically, you're sitting down and you just stand up. I don't know what the big deal is, but Kyra said it is very important.
I feel GREAT!! It's a whole new life for me.
Wednesday:
The only way I could brush my teeth this morning was by laying the toothbrush on the counter and moving my mouth back and forth over it. I think I have a hernia in both pectorals and my abs and back are on fire. I could barely type on my computer at work today. Driving to class tonight was OK as long as I didn't try to steer or stop. I think I parked on top of a Prius in the school parking lot.
Hoffi was impatient with me during warm-ups, insisting that my screams bothered the rest of the class. His voice was a little too perky when he announced we were going to do some more burpees. I didn't notice it before (maybe it was the accent), but when he scolds, he gets this nasally whine that is VERY annoying.
My chest really hurt and I couldn't stand up straight so Hoffi had me be the bottom person all night. He told me if I kept working I would get in great shape and enjoy life. He said some other sh!t too.
Thursday:
Kyra was waiting for me with her vampire-like teeth exposed as her thin, cruel lips were pulled back in a full snarl when I came out to the mat. I got to class on time but I couldn't help being a half an hour late coming out of the locker room, it took me that long to untie my shoes.
Kyra gave me a list of things to warm-up with on my own and of course there were more burpees at the end. When she wasn't looking, I ran and hid in the men's room. She sent one of the blue belts to find me, then, as punishment, used me as her demonstration partner for some sort of choke. At some point I woke up with the entire class snickering at me. Apparently I forgot to tap and had been drooling on the mat for the last ten minutes.
Friday:
I hate that b@stard Hoffi more than any human being has ever hated any other human being in the history of the world. And that stupid,skinny, anemic little cheerleader wanna-be Kyra too. If there was a part of my body I could move without unbearable pain, I would beat them with it.
Hoffi wanted me to work some more on armbars. But I can't even move my arms (which I am sure you learned in the sadist Jiu Jitsu school you attended and graduated magna cum laude from, you Nazi b@stard). My training partner flung me off and I landed on some bony guy. Why couldn't it have been someone softer, like the big guy in the corner?
Saturday:
Hoffi left a message on my voice mail in his grating, shrilly accent wondering why I did not show up today. Just hearing him made me want to hurl my phone across the room. However, I lacked the strength to even reach the TV remote and ended up catching eleven straight hours of the *$@#&& Weather Channel.
Sunday:
I'm just thanking GOD that this week is over. I am also praying that next year my wife (the BLACK WIDOW) will just kill me herself instead of trying to get someone else to do it for her!
